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Joe Biden Falling Down Stairs

Joe Biden Is Still Falling Down Those Damn Endless Stairs From Super Mario 64

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Everyone on Earth knows that Joe Biden fell down the stairs on March 19th, 2021; however, the media has not kept the world up to date ever since. In what seems to be a media blackout, no news source has reported that Joe Biden has been missing since that fateful day. Rumors have it that Joe Biden is still falling down the stairs. Imagine falling down the stairs for four months straight? It seems that the President of the United States will stop at nothing to take the fall for America. Supposedly the stairs Biden is still rolling down are the infamous stairs from Super Mario 64. No one knows what Joe Biden was doing in Princess Peach’s castle in the first place. Die-hard conservatives swear it was so he could sniff her hair, but loyal liberals aren’t so sure. Some liberals even suggest that Joe Biden was there to welcome the Mushroom Kingdom into an alliance with America. There is no telling the benefits the United States could receive by joining forces with the Mushroom Kingdom.

Is Joe Biden Okay?

Apparently the frail man is still alive, which shows a kind of resilience we never knew he had in him. Honestly, if he can survive falling down the stairs for four months straight, maybe he does have what it takes to run this country. I might even vote for him next election if he survives. However, even if he survives this endless fall, it is highly unlikely he will still be in a strong enough shape to run for President in 2024.

Did Joe Fall Or Was He Pushed?

Some theories suggest that Biden’s fall has a much more sinister origin. Rumors have it that his vice president may have pushed him down the stairs. What better way to ascend to presidency than to get rid of your former superior? It sounds just evil enough to work. Everyone knows that American politics can get brutal, but no one knew the stairs from Super Mario 64 would be involved. It seems like Joe Biden will be falling down stairs for many months to come.

We will update this story if Joe Biden ever stops falling down those damn stairs.

chic-fil-a bible

Chic-Fil-A Now Requires Proof Of Bible Ownership To Order Food

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Chic-fil-A just got a bit more exclusive. If you love Satan or other men, you are shit out of luck when it comes to getting your paws on a Chic-fil-A chicken biscuit. The Christian fast food chain will now require all guests to present their bible at the cash register. Without proof of bible ownership, it will be impossible to complete the transaction and claim your food items. The move seems controversial, but rural areas are loving it.

Why Is A Bible Necessary To Eat At Chic-fil-A?

Some see this move as discrimination, others see it as idiotic. Requiring a bible for purchasing goods seems like an easy way to lose customers. Chic-fil-A isn’t worried though. They aren’t in the fast food business to make money, they only care about feeding Christians. Their business model was created in hopes of feeding the next coming of Christ. Any income the company makes goes directly to anti-LGBTQ resources, so the less money Chic-fil-A has, the better. The company insists that they don’t hate members of the LGBTQ community or any ethnic groups, they just don’t want them to have food.

Can I Use A Fake Bible To Get A Chicken Biscuit?

While it is possible to use a fake bible to attempt to fool the employee at the cash register (because let’s face it, tons of Chic-fil-A employees are fake Christians that just want a paycheck and a chicken sandwhich), you also must have a psalm memorized. The staff at Chic-fil-A is trained to ask any suspicious guest their favorite psalm to certify them as a legitimate Christian. As long as you have your fake bible in hand, and a psalm memorized in your mind, then you are good to go. Only God will be disappointed in you, but your stomach will be happy.

What do you think about this new policy? Do you find it upsetting? Let us know in the comments.

Inauguration Day

Inauguration Day Is Tomorrow, But Bernie Can Still Win

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Tomorrow is inauguration day, and Presumably Joe Biden will officially replacing Donald Trump, and will become the 46th President of the United States of America. This however, may not be the case. There is still a chance that Bernie Sander can win. The popular theory has spread like wildfire on social media, and is gaining traction across America. A frantic “Bernie Bro” has been searching through governmental documents for any sort of loophole that can benefit Bernie Sanders. After months of rigorous searching, the Bernie fan finally found something worth noting.

How Can Bernie Sanders Still Win?

The user that goes by the name “BernieBoi420” found an old constitutional document that contained an astonishing rule. The new rule states that if a President of the United States pees his pants in the oval office, it can be used as proof of the current Presidents incompetency. It is nearly a given that Joe Biden will pee his pants almost immediately upon entering the White House. How does this make Bernie the next president though? This rule states that in this circumstance, the current Vice President will remain Vice President, but the secondary candidate for that party will become President. If this is true, things are looking promising for the Vermont Senator.

How Will Bernie Bros Pull This Off?

The Bernie bros don’t have to do anything. Joe Biden will likely do this all on his own. No one knew about this “pee pants” rule, but it has shaken things up tremendously. It was always a given that Joe Biden would be peeing his pants while in office, but no one knew it was not allowed. Bernie Sanders just has to keep his pants clean one more day, and he may become President of the United States after all.

What do you think of this theory? Do you think it is too late since the inauguration day is tomorrow? Does Bernie stand a chance? Let us know in the comments.

Donald Trump Pardons

Donald Trump To Pardon The Hamburglar From All Charges

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Donald Trump is putting his last days as the President of the United States of America to use. The soon-to-be former President will be issuing over 100 pardons before his term ends. Petitions have been asking for the pardoning of the Hamburglar since the last 90’s, and now fans are getting their wish. Donald Trump will officially pardon the Hamburglar from all crimes. This will all happen before Donald Trump is replaced.

What Did The Hamburglar Do?

His name tells all of his tales. The Hamburglar is a Robin Hood like hero that would steal hamburgers from rich capitalist franchises and give them to the poor. The Hamburglar considered himself poor, so he mainly just gave himself all of the stolen burgers. Many were inspired by his anti-corporation lifestyle, with some followers even adopting it as a way of living. The Hamburglar also killed over 3,000 people by poisoning a water supply in San Bernardino, California. The spot was close to the original first McDonalds location. Despite this, Donald Trump will pardon the Hamburglar before his own followers he threw under the bus.

Wait, The HamBurglar Killed People?

While there is no concrete proof due to the low water quality in San Bernardino, it is speculated that the Hamburglar did indeed poison the water supply closest to the original McDonalds. Donald Trump doesn’t seem to care though. Some sceptics warned him of these crimes, but he responded by stating “The Hamburglar is a fine guy. Maybe one of the greatest guys. Not as great as me, but maybe second place. I think he is an outstanding American. He was clearly framed by vegetarian activists. He would never harm a corporation, especially not one of mine. I made sure of that. If I pardon him, I can assure my safety”. The speech was vague, confusing, and even downright suspicious. This is the third time that hamburgers were involved in a Donald Trump controversy.

What do you think of the Hamburglar’s return? Do you think it is right of Donald Trump to pardon him? Let us know what you think about the whole situation down in the comments.

Trump Supporter Capitol Raid

Trump Supporter Now Lives In The Bus He Was Thrown Under

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Donald Trump has finally conceded in the 2020 Presidential Election. No one thought they would ever see this day come. In his speech following the raids on the United States capitol, Trump threw all his loyal supporters under the bus. The former president said that the raiders were “a disgrace to America”, and with that these loyal patriots no longer have a home. Many of Trump’s loyal supports are still defending him following these words. They believe that he was forced to give this speech word-for-word, and that the real meaning can be found by reading between the lines. Now a Trump supporter is fully embracing being thrown under the bus by making it his permanent residence.

Why Would A Trump Supporter Live Under A Bus?

If you are a Trump support, you would gladly live under a bus if he threw you under it. It is like a right of passage to those guys. We spoke with Caleb Remington of Washington D.C. about his experience living in a bus. He said “I love this bus. Mr. President wouldn’t have thrown me under this bus if it wasn’t for a reason. It’s like when God kills your child. You have to just think positively and assume it was for a good reason. God just wanted to be president for another four years as intended, but those godless democrats took it from him. If a raid on the capitol is what it takes, we will do several. We weren’t thrown under the bus, we jumped right in front of it.”

Caleb Remington refused to answer us after we asked him how he managed to become so mind controlled, and he hid back under the bus to avoid us.

What do you think about these Trump support’s new living situation? Do you feel bad that they were thrown under a bus? Let us know in the comments.

Capitol Raid

Trump Promises Free Burgers To Anyone Who Raids The Capitol

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The world laughed at Donald Trump after his last ditch effort to rally his fans. The soon-to-be former President of the United States promised free ham burgers to anyone who would storm the capitol. The hamburger would not include cheese, and a drink would cost extra. What no one expected was the turn out for this deal. Despite having minimal gains from this raid, an audience showed up. Fortunately for Donald Trump, there are tons of rednecks who would risk their lives for a hamburger. The capitol raid shows no signs of impact for the election results.

How Many People Turned Up For The Capitol Raid?

No one knows for sure how many people attended this capitol raid. The patriots showed up organized and ready-to-go. It is possible that they used World of Warcraft tactics to organize. Research suggests that the orange bearded heroes split into groups of 20 for the raid. Each group of 20 had fitting rolls, such as the biggest boys being tanks. The proud neckbeards are no strangers to long nights raiding, but they have never had to stand during them. While the capitol raid seems pointless to many, some players were lucky enough to score some legendary loot.

A Raider Securing A Legendary Drop

Was The Burger Even Good?

You would think a burger would dying for would be incredible. As previously mentioned, the burger did not contain cheese even upon request. Donald Trump ordered his patriots burgers from Papa Johns. The burgers were greasy and gross, but knowing a true patriot and entrepreneur like Papa John crafted the burger fueled the patriots’ bloodlust. Papa John is no stranger to rooting for Trump, as he even said the patriots’ favorite word a few years back.

What do you think of the capitol raid? Do you believe that the election was rigged, or did you just want a free burger? Let us know down in the comments.

The Hard Times

The Hard Times Purchased By The Biden Campaign, Starts Posting Pro-Government Content

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This is a new one. The Biden Campaign just purchased The Hard Times. The website is/was a punk based satirical website. Under Joe Biden, the website will alternate to a more pro-government form of satire. No one knows what this means. It is very unlikely that the content will be funny at all. Pro-government satire might be the lamest form of comedy in existence. Hopefully The Hard Times doesn’t go through some hard times following this purchase.

Why Would A Punk Satire Site Be Purchased By A Politican?

The punk satire site was purchased by the Biden Campaign to try and gain the Punk vote. The punk vote is an untouched area that counts for 40% of the population of The United States of America. This may come as a surprise to most readers, but there are nearly as many punks in the USA as their is non-punks. With a punk satire website under his belt, Biden hopes to convert all Punks to pro-government zombies. No one knows for sure if this will work, but Joe is desperate.

Will The Hard Times Ever Go Back To Their Roots?

The Hard Times will likely remain pro-government as long as the Biden Campaign is in control. It is possible that Biden will give up the website after the election. Donald Trump bought The Babylon Bee last year. Biden likely wants to have a satire site of his own. Donald Trump recently got tons of press for The Babylon Bee by pretending to fall for their satire. The move was clearly a publicity stunt. We are standing by and waiting for Jo Jorgensen to buy us out. For now we remain unaffiliated with any political campaign.

What do you think about the new The Hard Times? Do you miss true punk satire? Let us know in the comments.